My Life as a Dog Bed

By CHELSEA FAGAN:


1. There is such a thing as a “real” woman and she is defined by “having curves,” which is not to be confused with “being fat,” and if you fall too far outside of that particular bell curve, you do not count as a “real” woman.

2. There is something inherently wrong with you if you have slept with a certain number of people, and it must be the result of some former trauma or unfinished business you have.

3. There is something inherently wrong with you if you are insisting on remaining a virgin until marriage, or indefinitely, and it is something that can be rectified with “the right man.”

4. Bisexual women are simply “going through a phase” or “having a little fun,” and are doing it mostly for the attention of the men they are more attracted to.

5. There is a direct correlation between the kind of clothes you wear and the amount of respect you deserve.

6. Men are entitled to sex with you after a certain amount of nice gestures, and if you remain uninterested after the right combination of activities and words, you are responsible for his unhappiness for being a cold bitch.

7. You are “supposed to” enjoy and universally support any number of female artists and creators simply because she is female, and not because you actually identify with her work in any way.

8. There is a certain amount of your worth as a person — and it’s significant — which is tied up in your relationship status.

9. You owe strange men on the street who call out to you and make you feel uncomfortable to smile at them and cheerfully dismiss their advances.

10. If you don’t smile, and you don’t make yourself as amicable as possible while getting away, you are guilty of being a frigid bitch.

11. If you are too friendly, you’re leading them on.

12. The vast majority of your value in dating someone is how good-looking you are. The other qualities you may or may not possess are rendered largely unimportant in the face of your physical beauty.

13. If you don’t look like a photo-shopped image of a model in a magazine, there is something inherently wrong with you, and not with the image.

14. If you spend enough money on beauty products, clothes, and haircuts, you will become as beautiful (and therefore as worthy) as said women in the magazines.

15. There is a “correct” course of action to take as a woman when you are in an abusive relationship, and if you don’t follow it to the letter, you are deserving of shame and mockery for not presenting a good example for other women.

16. It is every woman’s job to be a model of some kind for other women in her life.

17. If one woman acts a certain way, or engages in a certain behavior, she is a reflection on all women and not just herself and her personal choices.

18. There are certain things that women should inherently want out of life, such as marriage and having children, and if you do not want those things there is something defective about you.

19. As a woman, the question you should be asking yourself as you enter your career is unquestionably “How do I have it all?” The underlying assumption is always that you want both a family life and a career, lest you be considered lazy or immature on either front.

20. There are certain choices we can make in life which are inherently more feminist than others, such as choosing to delay family life in order to have a high-powered career.

21. Sex work is something dirty and shameful, and being an educated, hard-working, good person and being a sex worker are mutually exclusive.

22. There is a way to date and have sex and meet people which is more moral and respectable than another.

23. Your sexuality should always be someone else’s business, and other people should get a say in the control you have over your own body.

24. If you are a take-charge person who is hard-working and demanding of others the way many men who are deeply respected in business might be, you are a bitch. And that is that.